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When I moved back to the United States in 2008, I got a cell phone. It was pink. I broke it a few months later, but that's not the point. I actually started using an old cell phone that I got in 2005. It's a brick. I haven't gotten rid of it because there's a pong clone that I can't beat. I'm on the second to the last level. It's very difficult. I've been trying for 6 years, I should know. That's still not the point, though.

The point is that I got a new number when I moved back in '08. Within a week, I was trying to change my number. The person who had the number before--Darlene James--hasn't paid her bills in a long time. Everyone calls that phone asking for her. I would write down the numbers of the people who called. When someone else called, I'd give them the number of the person who just called. No exaggeration, I probably got 100+ calls a week for Darlene. I put the number on the Do Not Call List (one reason I love America). The calls slowed down, but never stopped.

Fast-forward seven months. I move out of America and I'm gone for a year. I didn't close the account with AT&T, but I did put it on hold. When I move back to the States, I reactivate the account and get my old number back (Darlene's number, too). Within a few hours, I get a call from someone asking for Darlene. I starting telling people that Darlene was in a horrible accident a few days ago. It doesn't look like she'll make it. I sort of felt bad after I said it--right up until the caller asked me if I controlled Miss James' bank account, or had a method of paying her debt. I told her to burn in hell--an appropriate response if I actually knew Darlene.

I hadn't gotten a call for a very long time (~6 months) until this morning, and she called at 3:30 am. I don't remember what I said, but I made a point to tell the caller that Darlene hasn't had the number in over three years. If she was a bill collector, she was a bad one. If she was a friend, she was a worse one. If she was a family member, she should consider a new family.

So I set out on a mission. I got Darlene's current number. I'm going to call her this afternoon. If she's a b****, I'm going to forward all calls asking for her. And I'm going to contact (almost) every agency that ever tried to contact her on my phone (I still have the list). And I'm going to provide every agency with her newer number.

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